 One Step Up |
 |
| April1,2001 One week tomorrow I go to work....very cool feeling. I can say this time I honestly feel like I am starting all over. Clean start, no one knows what happened here and no one needs to know. I have been looking at more apts and I am sure that by May1st, I will be all moved in. Its going to be awhile before I see the kids, probably not til the summer but I need to get through the training and most important be ok for them. As one reader wrote to stay away from men, YES I think thats a good idea. I really have no room anymore for pain, and extra problems..Maybe one day, but not now. I have lots of opportunity for advancing at this job and I plan to do it, get back to exercising (dirty word) but important and taking care of me.....Maybe thats selfish, but the kids need to see that, they need to see me together and a good role model to get pass what happened and be ok. Talk to you all tomorrow |
|
| April3,2001 Yesterday, I went and got my paperwork and drugtest for the new job Monday, and (this is special) I got an official job acceptance letter with my salary and benefit package....how cool is that? I never got anything like that,usually just a phone call that you got the job..... anyway, the first day is in the city and they even have a catered breakfast.....again, this is pretty cool.I will be starting with new people as well so I wont feel so out of place, and to meet new people too is a good feeling. I think I found the perfect apt, and pretty soon this will all fall in to place. I hope. Tomorrow I go to the new dr, and it cant be any sooner, my nerves feel like they are going to explode and Im having trouble sleeping and when I do I get nightmares...maybe cause im starting the job, will be moving out to my own place...I dont know, I just would like to feel kinda normal. |
|
| April6,2001 I went to the dr Wens, and I had a rought time, Not seeing her, just talking about all that came about and why I was there. I realized how still raw and painful this all is....how hard it is to believe that I can overcome it, and how maybe I need to still deal with some very painful issues. My depression is still very strong as well as the anxiety....she gave me some new meds to help with that, but I know that it is up to me to heal. I am still very nervous about Monday and the job, but Im sure that is normal....but at least I had a safe place to break down and not at the new job......someone that I can talk to and understands why I feel the way I feel, and how to get better step at a time. She told me how strong I was and how amazing it was to come so far, sometimes I dont believe that. Like everyone should be able to do this....(how stupid of a thought) I know by next week I will have alot more to think about, I will be getting ready to be in a new apt and once again taking care of myself. In a few months the kids will off from school and I will be able to spend time with them, so that is a one motivating reason to be fully healed, so they also can see firsthand that you can overcome anything that is thrown your way. |
|
| April10,2001 10% of life is what comes your way, 90% is how you deal with it.... Something that we went over in my training class (which is going awesome) I just have a quick entry to say everything is great! Well I spilled my coffee the first day of class near the computer.....Most of my friends know that isnt anything new. But other then that, I really like it....So much to learn and take in, BUT I WILL DO FINE...see ya tomorrow |
|
| April11,2001 I am so tired, I know that I am sititng all day, but there is so much information that is being tossed at you, so much to remember and know...but I am taking it in. I have a new friend as well, she lives around the block from here and she has been nice enough to give me a lift home at nite....so I dont have to use the bus for now. I will be getting my apt soon, and I am excited about it. Kinda scared as well, but I guess that comes with the territory. So I dont know where all this is heading, but I feel good about it for once, I do not have doubts about the job, about living on my own, or about my future. I have hit the lowest place you can go in your life, and I have been going back up slowly. So I know all of you out there, whether its the diet, depression, marriage and family problems it will be ok. Just dont give up, and when U feel like you may, then let someone help, or most important, get back yourself.....I still have lots of climbing to do, get back to what matters to me. I know now I can get through just about anything.....and so can you. |
|
| April12,2001 Thank god tomorrow is Friday......I am so full of bank terms, regulations, floats, etc...I never thought that I would know so much about banking, or that I ever would want to. If I get by these next three weeks, I will know it like the back of my hand. That is the pace of it all. I need to study, so I cant even stay on the computer all that long anymore. Tomorrow my friend there and I are going to take walks at lunch....we only get a half an hour and after sitting all day it would do wonders. |
|
| April21,2001 I have been so overwhelmed in my classes at work that I have to say Im exhausted everynight....I got a 96% on my first exam and next week is the final......You have to pass both tests with a 80 or above, so the 96 was pretty awesome for me. I only hope I can do that well on my final, then week after next I begin on the job training....I really hope I can do this all. I found this awesome apt, put money down, and three days later was denied......Loser was how I felt. I know that I got turned down cause I suppose I just started working, I just moved here, etc.....but it sucked. I went for another today, this seems like I had a better chance getting in,(not going to count on it) and its really neat. It has a huge balcony, two sliding glass doors out to it, one from the living room, and one from the bedroom...a nice clean bathroom with a full bath, and a small kitchen with tons of cabinets, dishwasher, huge fridge, stove, and a bar table between the living room and kitchen. Its on the top floor, great views, and a great walk in closet in the bedroom......central air, near the mall...almost perfect. Now I dont know if I am going to get in but you can see how almost perfect it would be. me and my new friend from work went out last night, and it was to great to have a friend again, especially one that lives so close.....Oh yeah, tomorrow I go to my very first baseball game! Tigers at Indians. I am pretty excited...So life here in Cleveland is turning out pretty nice, and I feel that I can start living again and not everything is going to hell.....Of course I will have setbacks, we all do....but at least I am trying again.I will miss Terri and Frank and the boys once I move out (May1st) but the good thing is that they are only going to be a few minutes away and I can see them often. My little nephew wants to spend some weekend nights with me, and I love that. I miss the kids so much, but they are really doing well....Annie is saving for college already and she is working, and Keith is Keith......typical 12 year old. They will both be here in the summer to visit, but sadly I think that is all they want to do, they are making no signs or suggestions that they want to come up here to live, and after all that they been through I can not blame them, and if they are happy like I always say that is all that matters......I am still their mom and always will be. Okay, so thats it for now, I need to study. Talk to you later |
|
| April28,2001 I have been approved for that apartment that I was writing about,and I passed my final with a 98%. I am upstairs now at on the job training and again its pretty overwhelming but I am headstrong on doing the best that I can do. So I am moving to my own place, finally applying what I learned in class for the job and doing pretty good. I can only hope that the kids see that as well, It is important that they know I am ok. Thats the only thing that is missing here, them... |
|
| April30,2001 I did really good today at work, I got to take calls finally with customers, and I have to say I did not do too bad for the first time....I am not sure if I said what I do, but I am a banking information rep, which was what the three weeks of class was all about......learning all this stuff. So you can say it was pretty overwhelming, but I did good. I also got my first pay check and tomorrow I sign my lease :-) We are having scheduling problems with being able to move my stuff in, so my official day of moving will be most likely next weekend. Keith called me last night just to talk, (thought that was awesome) and I told him how bad I need a Keith hug.....soon. So, with that we start May, my 3rd year here online (wow) and some more big changes.....my head feels like its spinning. Talk to you all later |
|
|
|
|