 One Year In Ohio |
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| Jan4,2002 Happy New Years to all, and I hope everyone had a great holiday season, mine was kinda lonely and I wasnt the happiest of people and I am sure some out there reading will be happy that it was that way, or that I deserved it.....and thats ok too. As I wrote before the kids couldnt come so it was very hard for me this past week, its been a year already, a year since I have seen them, a year that I have lived here, a year since leaving Pa. My New Year promises......still work on healing. |
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| Jan7,2002 I feel lonely, at first it didnt bother me much, living alone...but it is starting to be overwhelming. The job gets to me, (back to working sats) but honestly its better then being here alone. Sometimes I feel its supposed to be this way, that I need this time to myself, but I am afraid it may this way for the rest of my life. I want the kids back with me, and then again, am I able to take care of them? They are happy, they have family around them all the time, they have their dad and their pets, and their friends, what can I give them? I know I dont want to grow old alone, I know I want to feel my kids hug me again, I know I want to finally find real love in my life ....and these simple, non expensive desires seem to be so out of reach. |
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| Jan9,2002 I finally made that dr appt, and I go Monday morning, so no backing out now I guess. To admit that I do need to go back on the meds... and talking to Annie and Keith, they told me that they want to visit in April for easter break....so, I am getting the plane tickets, come hell or high water, working 8 hrs on sat instead of five, I will get them here....and I got to get the time off as well.....this time I will not let them down. |
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| Jan13,2002 Tomorrow is the dr appt, I dont know how its going to feel back on meds again, hopefully better then I am feeling without them. I dont know what even to say anymore to them....how to explain what "walking dead" feels like. I got a good price for the kids to fly here, non stop......now hoping that the price stays the same on Tues, payday, but it feels great being able to do this finally. Well will write after the dr, let you all know how it goes....u never know, I may feel alive again. |
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| Jan15,2002 Well I did it....went to the dr, and got the tickets for the kids! Frank ordered them for me on Sunday, so we got the same great price....they will be here for one week....this is gotta be the greatest feeling..and going to the dr I got put on celexa. I was wondering if anyone else has been on it that could possibly share with me how it works for them. I am hoping this one will work...just that it is new, and I havent heard much out there about it. At least I did it..... |
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| Jan24,2002 I got the time off for the kids visit and I am very excited about it all and at the same time nervous, I am so afraid I guess of them hating me, hating Cleveland, and I suppose its stupid to feel that way, but of course its my trait to think that way.I have been working as many Sats as I can to have the money for the kids and still pay the rent and all the other bills and it feels kinda cool to see that progress pay check after paycheck but once again I am afraid of my inner feelings. I am not feeling that much effect from celexa, only being able to sleep better with the sleeping pill, and I almost feel more depressed then before. I am trying to get in touch with the dr to talk to her about it, but after three calls, no response yet. I get crazy feelings, like "if I had a gun, I would shoot myself in the head, and be done with it all" and that comes on out of no where...and I wonder sometimes does these meds alter your thinking that much....I know this sounds all way too dramatic, but its a honest feeling that I have. |
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| Jan30,2002 I am starting to feel some what better on the celexa, I am happy to say, though getting through to the dr was somewhat a challenge. I did get through to my caseworker and she promised to have my meds called in today, being I was on my last pill that it is somewhat a major relief. I know that I have to do some of the work here myself too, sort of retrain your thinking as I like to say, which my friends is HARD. I am starting to concentrate on getting a car with my tax refund and hopefully that will improve my social life some, or maybe I need to stop hiding..... |
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