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July 11,2001
First I want to thank all that wrote and asked for me, and I am sorry that I havent been here sooner...everything is good,the job is very demanding and I suppose for now I am focusing mostly on that, doing well, working for promotion and raise. Its not so much that I even like the job, actually it is extremely stressful but I feel for now its safe to concentrate just on that, I still can not deal well with what happened, and not talking about it or dwelling on it seems the way to go, the drs that I see once in awhile insist that I need to talk about all this, let it go finally, heal.....and that just scares me to even go back there, to let all out that is best hidden. I go out once inawhile with friends from work, I see my family, and I talk on the phone..that all seems to be all that I need at the moment...I miss Annie and Keith, their dad is being the typical asshole as usual and demanding that I send airline tickets for their visit....I can not afford them and Frank said he would help pick them up, meeting halfway, and I am getting no coperation from their father...according to him I am living it up here in Cleveland, making all kinds of crazy money and 400 dollars is just pennies to me...yeah, right. My daughter is still telling me that I have to be at the sweet sixteen, and that is all she wants to know....a party up here with my family just doesnt matter, and there is no talking. I hurt and I miss them and at the same time, it is good that they spend time with their dad....and I am not sure that I can be a good mom anymore (that dark place again)
Anyway, I am not sure what I am getting at, just that I wish their dad would not be the asshole that he is....and that Annie would understand that life does not revolve around only on her......maybe I sound a tad bitter, maybe the hurt seeps out too much. So with July here, I turn 40 on the 19th and I really dont know how I feel about that,I am trying to say it is just a number and that works for now.
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July 13,2001
Confession......I have not had my nails done,(I know,take a moment,talk amongst yourselves)Confession, I have not had my hair
done. I have not been with or needed a man, confession, I gained weight and have to start this all over again, hey it is a diet journal....
confession, I like being on my own and taking care of myself without a man......not to say that I dont miss them or especially J, my friend from back home, but maybe its not the time for them in my life and I suppose there is nothing wrong with that. If we are meant to be together it will enhance my life not make it or break it. That will never happen again as Scarlett would say "as God as my witness" So turning 40 may not be too bad after all, if it brings the maturity and wisdom and healing that I so desperatly need...If it just brings peace and acceptance to know that we all fall, we all make mistakes, but with determination we can stand up again and accept. That is the word. So, on to the working world,(God I hate it) but I am doing my best, and I was told the other day that when my 6 months is up I am looking at a raise....:-). See you all later
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