 Three Years Here |
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| May1,2001 This month marks my 3 years here on this journal......and I am amazed that I have lasted on here that long, I know that I do this for me, for my sanity, and to let out feelings, but we all know what that has turned out to be. Still I lasted and I am proud of that, proud that I did not let those certain people make me feel that I should not journal, proud that I was able to write about all that has happened, and share that with you. It is not easy having a nervous breakdown, nor going through what I have been through, but like they say, It could be worse.....I have so many mixed emotions, I am proud that I am doing so well at the job, and that Today I have signed my lease and actually will be moving in to my own really cool apartment, a week from Sat...I am proud that I do feel better emotionally and I know I will get through this.....I am sad not being with Annie and Keith, even though that I tell myself all the time "they are happy" I miss Isabella and the other birds and Travis....(my dog) I miss my friend in PA, who, I was able to be me with, to be comfortable with, that he was someone that hid nothing.....You know who he was and what he was about. I miss the mountains and the quiet country roads.....but I do not miss the small town gossip, and everyone pointing their fingers at you, and of course the people that you thought were your friends. Of course I do not miss Walmart......so, on to other things, I think I will do okay here, the people at work are nice and I look forward to seeing them everyday, and I guess most important I do not mind waking up every morning. |
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| May6,2001 I am not having a very good weekend at all, Sat I found out that my paychecks were never deposited in my account, (this is the bank that I work for) The branch that I use, is really not all that impressive.....anyway,I know that they will find my deposit and it will be ok, but I also realized that I am not ready for any kind of upset at all, I have done nothing but cry, and feel so much saddness and I am not sure if is all to do with the missing paychecks, I know that Mothers day is coming and I am not ready for that, being without the children and alone. I miss them so much but the more that I talk to them, the more I see that they are pretty much settled into their fathers home. They still may harbor enormous resentment against me, and I find that so hard to deal with.......maybe I just havent dealt with anything in order to stay focused on my job, and getting a place to live and I fall apart pretty easy when something goes wrong. Maybe it is time to talk about all this, and deal with it face on. I am just afraid to if that makes any sense. I know that as much as I am excited about the new apt, I also am afraid of the lonliness that will be there, I always had Annie and Keith with me. I just know that I do need to keep going and stay focused but at the same time, it is crucial to start facing what did happen. |
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| May8,2001 This whole business with my paychecks is still not being settled, I am getting a big runaround and no clear answers to what happened to my deposit. They do know that the checks were cashed, what happened to them is the big secret. Thats how I feel anyway. That I have no rights to know what happened and I am getting no where. I have been trying so hard to get where I am now and it all is for nothing it seems....At this point as well I have no confidence that my money will be credited to my account and I have no idea how they can get away with that, especially since I am a employee as well. I have no idea what I am going to do. |
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| May15,2001 The missing paychecks have appeared and all that has been settled thanks to my boss at work, but I tell you that almost did me in, I really cant handle upsets yet....I am happy to say that I am in my new apartment! I love it....its big enough, quiet and best of all mine....and the added benefit that I dont have to worry about the place being sold and moving....I am getting it together slowly, I am so beat when I get home from work, not physically but mentally. I also got a huge suprise from the kids for Mothers Day, a really nice basket of flowers....It was tough not having them with me, but I can look at the flowers and they are here with me. Other then that I can finally say my new life has begun and the old is in the past where it belongs...... |
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| May27,2001 I know that I havent been here for awhile.....Terri reminded me that I need to get back here and try and catch up. I been having internet problems for one and trying to get the apt together and working is not leaving that much time for the journals. Work is going okay, actually it is getting quite stressful, the customers are really not the problem, sure they get aggrevating, but you are dealing with their money and I can understand when there are problems re: my missing paychecks. Enough said. Tuesday I start my 11:30 to 8 shift and my bus experience...My friend Michele walked out last week and quit, the management is less to be desired and I guess she had enough, thats where my frustrations come in, Management and way too many of them all telling you different things....which causes great stress. Besides that, the apt is really nice and coming along well, Frank bidded on EBay a bedroom set that he won and I am looking forward to getting that....I really need the dressers. I dont know why I feel unsettled though. I miss Annie and Keith, now that I have all their pictures up it makes me sad when I look at them.....like are they hating me, resent me, or just wish they never knew me. Again those feelings are still with me and most likely will always be. I know that getting into steady counseling will help some, or I hope that it will. I like to be alone in a way, that way I can be sure that I will not get hurt....maybe I think that will always be that way. Do you think that you get to that point in life? That you will never ever trust again or want to love them? I hope that it will change, I love being in love, trusting, feeling safe....but then again I think that it is just not meant to be for me. Anyway, one more day off before I go back to solving everyone's money problems.....I am sure after the weekend there will be many to fix. Talk to you later....... |
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| May28,2001 I am not feeling well at all today, I dont know what is wrong, just tired and that feeling that you have a cold coming....but somehow I think its a mental thing......like my whole life just about. I really want to get into full time counseling again, I guess I got to get used to the bus's around here for awhile. I dont feel that secure getting a car loan....I am still not sure how I am going to get to and home from work tomorrow at this point, the schedules of the bus's are pretty confusing, but once I do it once I am sure that it will be ok, or I will just get transportation challenged as usual. As far as the three day weekend, it was relaxing and quiet,maybe its all too quiet for me. |
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