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| Nov6,2001 Im back and I have to be honest it amazes me sometimes how you all keep reading, I really think that I have become a bore, at least to myself. Well not much has changed, it will almost a year since I have seen the kids and I am more then sad, almost like in mourning at times......I know that they are happy, and maybe they dont want to see me, but I cant tell you how much I need a hug from them. I guess I havent spoken much about my gentleman friend, I call him "J" cause he doesnt want me to put his name in here and thats cool, I have known him since last Aug, and I have to say that I have grown to trust him and have very deep feelings for him.....we have had our ups and downs and me moving here to Ohio has made it long distance......of course there is the phone and he even came here for 3 weeks in Aug with the intentions of coming again.....so why am I even bringing it up? Cause I have not heard from him in a few days, and when you talk every night thats alot of time....I have left him messages, nothing....and now I face that "Damn, I am so NOT in the mood to be let down, hurt, and all the other emotions that come with it" yes he may be sick, may not be in the mood to chat, but I need to know something, if I am to be dumped, if he is angry then cant I know??? So, why do I do it? Why do I even think that besides my family that there is someone out there that you can depend on? That can love you for no other reason then that they like being with you? I dont think that I am in the catogory to be loved....its how I feel. Why bother? So I will let you know if I hear from him, but I have a bad feeling....and that brings this Tues to a close and really nothing has changed at all. |
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| Nov7,2001 I wish I had Annie and Keith here, I wish I could wake up and see them and I really wish none of this happened....of course. I know that it is important for them to see me do well, and I guess with all that has happened I am doing well. I am doing well at work, I can keep up with the apt that I got but that is all. Is there more? I dont feel it. I feel empty, I feel like I am just on automatic, nothing matters anymore such as me....why? Why do I always get this way and feel like I dont matter, I dont deserve to be happy or live half the time. Why do I keep writing in here? Cause maybe through all this baggage, there is a part of me that still wants to be happy and feel like I deserve to live..or maybe cause its the only place that I can sort out all these destructive thoughts...I know that there is so many people out there that life has just stopped, that they have lost their loved ones, jobs, finicial security and lets face it just feeling secure again, and I feel guilty for feeling like my world has stopped, and feeling so very depressed, when I have a job and the people that I love are safe. I have no right to feel this way. That only makes it harder cause I still do. My life stopped a long time ago. |
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| Nov8,2001 The great mystery of what happened to J is over, yesterday morning I finally got someone to answer the phone and hey a woman answered.... and all he could say when she put him on the phone was "I didnt know how to tell you" so for almost about a week it was ok for me to think he was sick, hurt or dead, or that he was mad at me for something I did, and to find out that no, none of the above, hmmmmmm. I am crushed. You see he was my best friend too....well now that the shock is over, I guess, I know that I never meant that much to him anyway and I guess its better that he is out of my life. So that is my chapter on J.....let it be over. It was hard working yesterday, this all happened in the morning before work and dealing with whining customers all day that for the life of them just forget how to subtract and overdraw their accounts..well you know how that goes. So its another day, this will have to be put behind me and ..........thats just it, I dont know what anymore. |
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| Nov9,2001 Can somone out there tell me why I am so damn pathetic? I read what I wrote and I can not believe that I am so self destructive, and hateful towards myself...and how do you make it stop? I want to go on, keep living, keep hoping that maybe today it will be good, and maybe today I wont hurt as much, and maybe today I can understand why people throw you away and not care afterwards...or maybe I shouldnt care. I still have no idea why J threw me away, yeah I mean of course the obvious, but we were friends, I would of understood and accepted, and I know I dont want to keep harping this but you know simply it hurts, bad...and I want it to go away, and I want to stop crying, and I want to stop looking at myself and wanting to dissapear. I dont want to grow old and die alone and yet I have that dreaded fear....and most of all I want Annie and Keith, I want to hug them and make them breakfast, and watch a movie and everything we used to do.....I dont know how to make it better right now. I really dont. |
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| Nov10,2001 I am working on this self pity shit, just wanted you to know, and trying to get over J, and I think I will get through, just trying to stay busy....I worked today and will work every sat, so maybe no love life but extra money, and maybe I will get my nails done again and my hair, and maybe tomorrow I will feel better then today. |
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| Nov11,2001 I still feel beaten down, and I dont know how to stop. I think sometimes I do so well without my meds and then I read back what I wrote and decide that I need to get back on them, maybe that will help this horrible feeling everyday and everynight. I have to say my friends here that I have met at work have been here, came over everynight and we just talked and I am so grateful to have them in my life as well as my family. I start and think all of that, how lucky I am to have a great family, and that the kids are ok with their dad and I have a job and a great place to live and I can pay the rent and the bills and have oh, 75 cents left, but I can do that. Then this overwhelming rush of pain comes in and I wonder why anyone I love runs from me or treats me the way that they do and I hate myself, and feel that they hate me as well....does that make sense? Or am I just a totally forever messed up human being and this pattern will just keep happening? I dont want to grow old alone, I dont want to be alone, I dont want to feel this way. Depression sucks. |
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| Nov13,2001 I am still sick about what happened yesterday,and my prayers and thoughts are with anyone affected by the plane crash, for that matter all of us....and once again I am ashamed for my petty problems..... and really how small they are. I am gonna work on this, on me, I will get better and people like J will hurt me no more, nor anyone for that matter...I know I need to get back on meds, so one small step and make that damn dr appt. God Bless us all. |
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| Nov15,2001 Have I ever explained my job? Basically I sit there all day and answer calls from the bank's customers...basically they (customers) wait on hold for oh 20 minutes or more to ask me "Why am I overdrawn?" and you say "Well Mr or Mrs so and so, You had 50 dollars in your acct, and you went to the atm and took out 300" (thinking to yourself that the mathematics they learned in grade school should kick in) and they say "So, why am I overdrawn?" basically over a hundred calls a day and basically all the same. Its a blast......and I signed up for every sat this month and next month, kinda makes me wonder how much I really do like pain......So, on to another day, and I am feeling better and I am going to get my nails done and put in all those charms again and then the hair...and hell, lets go tan too. Somewhere out there, there is a happier place inside of me and I am going to work on getting there. |
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| Nov16,2001 Well its Friday, have to go in tomorrow, and I am tired, it has been a long week at work, here with my emotions, the world.....and I just want to sleep for like a gazillion years...I think, hope that I will be getting my raise this month, and that will help me with my next big step, the car purchase...brand new, I hope. My new goal for next year. Moving here, leaving behind Pa, the kids, the new job, new apt, just couldnt deal with a car purchase, but hey I think its next. I am feeling better still, but honestly I miss him and it hurts that the phone wont ring, and knowing that I am not the one being missed. I guess this just takes time and I will have to just let the time heal. |
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| Nov18,2001 Just got back from dinner at my brothers and he just called and hes offering to get the kids the weekend after thanksgiving.....and I am praying that their dad is gonna let this happen, it may only be for a weekend, but it would be the best christmas gift that I could ask for, I miss then so much and need to be with them. It has been a long week only to start again tomorrow and I have to say I am still feeling so very down with this latest story in my life. I keep forgetting sometimes that I cant call to tell him something funny, and it just brings it all back. I hope you dont think me pathetic and I know that I need to go on with life and I will, but I need to get it all out too.....he was my friend, I told him everything, trusted him and loved him. He made me laugh and smile and feel good when I felt the worse...he made me feel comfortable and safe. I could of understood that he met someone else, I would of felt sad, but I could accept it and say goodbye and still knowing that I could of called if I needed him or felt sad or lonely....we could of remained friends. He met someone, didnt want to tell me and then when I found out did not think it was neccesary to call or email.....silence. I feel thrown out, disregarded, useless, and like I am a piece of garbage to a man that I thought cared enough to at least tell me whats going on. I dont know what I did wrong, nor what is so wonderful about her that I mean so little....and it hurts. I dont know how to stop it from hurting and to stop wondering why. |
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| Nov19,2001 Somone once in my guestbook said that I was like a car wreck, U just had to stop and see the damage....and I have to say I agree half the time, but let me add I always got out of the wreck....I finally got some sort of an "explaination" from him in form of an instant message, basically the "I didnt want to hurt you, didnt know how to tell you" "She was bugging me to explain" wow....and this is supposed to make the hurt go away?? Yes, I still feel worthless and useless to this human being that was in my life, and you may think why does it matter? Because of a simple human emotion called love. I will stop loving him, caring, and it will go away and thats all I got to keep reminding myself. This is just another car wreck, isnt it? One that I will crawl out of.... |
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| Nov21,2001 Maybe this car wreck will take longer to crawl out of, I cant stop crying and I cant sleep and someone please tell me to snap out of it..to pick myself up and hold my head up and go on....please. In a few days will be the annivesary of the day that I married a man that molested my children, tomorrow I will not be with my children having dinner, they dont want me anymore....I let them down and to be far away from me is the way that they can handle it. I still have not dealt with that issue, this is what keeps putting me back in the hospital and possibly from ever getting better. Is dealing with this the answer? Will this make me different, stronger, better? It scares me to know that it may destroy what is left...I feel alone in a prison of self hatred. I dont want to be this way. I guess what I am getting at is to finally break down, let it all out, deal with it....is that the remedy? As well as all the drugs they tell me will make me feel better? Or do I just keep pretending that I am this strong woman that can deal with this myself? I am afraid of the answers, even though to truly save myself that is what I need. I love Annie and Keith, not a day goes by that I dont think of them, feel my heart ache for what has happened, blaming myself for it. Not a day goes by where I dont need them, and not a day goes by that I am grateful that they can be away from me. Will they ever want me? Love me? Need me? |
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| Nov24,2001 Happy Thanksgiving all, its a beautiful day here and I hope you all have a great day...I will be going to Terri's mom's house for dinner and I hope to talk to the kids and the rest of my family in a little while. I am amused to say the least that Rich and Penny are back...reading, writing in the guestbook, and no I didnt take it out...Penny, I have nothing to say to u. Rich, you can deny all you want, writing all those stupid lies, no one turned against us, police nor attorneys, they believed Annie else it never would of went to court, yeah U got away with it......but hey U have to answer to one more, and Hey, I dont think God is gonna believe you much. He was there....so take your self righteous and joy over my sadness and stuff it up your ass. I do have alot to be thankful for today and I guess to pick myself up again I will start with that, My children are healthy and doing well with their father and I thank god for that. I have a great family...and couldnt do without them, Lori,Terri, Frank you always stick by me and are there when it was the worse. My parents are alive and well, I have a job....I have health, a place to live, a good enough salary to live on and my friends here in Cleveland, (a great town) I believe in God and his power to heal us if we just go to him...I believe in me at times too, and I believe in my strength to overcome and get better.....maybe an asshole had to get me mad enough to realize that, but I will get there. If nothing else in your world is reliable or safe or loyal, you always have yourself and desire to make a better life and be happy. I know what I need to do, and if its to drag myself back to the dr for the first step then that is what I will do.....the rest will follow. That is my comfort today, I know that I have bared my soul to God, He does know...Happy Thanksgiving. |
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| Nov24,2001 Much better today, had a great dinner with Frank and Terri and the family, talked to Lori and the kids. Had a good time last night with my friends and I do have to say that is what life is about. I am going to make the dr appt Mon and get going here. Its about time. |
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| Nov26,2001 Another Monday, another long week, but I am thankful for it...get to see my friends, make money, and not feel so lonely...this is temporary. But its a good day to say the hell with the past, and start over and that is exactly what I am going to do. This is a good place to be, family and friends, and me. The strong do survive.... |
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| Nov27,2001 This has been a long month, and I took the trip of self pity, self hatred, and all that other crap, not a very good trip but a learning one as well. The loss of my relationship with J, yeah it sucks and it will hurt for a long time I am sure.....but it is done, and I can go on and know that I did nothing to cause it. My kids are doing good, they are happy and healthy and being taken care of. We will have a relationship again and NO ONE can take that away. I have excellent friends here, and I am so lucky to have them in my life. And for people that every so often crawl from under that rock, well thats just it, they do...and how sad for them that it doesnt matter....to anyone. |
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| Nov28,2001 This is kinda good news, I just found out from my supervisior that I am approved for my little but hey U need some kind of reward, raise and I guess what they call it is level promotion. I started out as a 13, this will give me a 14.....so now all day I will be still talking to customers and explaining once again that you do get overdraft fees if you spend money that you dont have.....but hey at alittle more money. :-) Just finishing my nite with my two good friends Karen and Joe, had a couple of drinks.....life is ok at the moment. Karen, my friend from texas, thank you both for your kind words in my guestbook. I want you to know it means alot to me....and your friendship is a rare treasure... |
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