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A DARK MONTH,
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Nov2,2000
Made my page.......will be back later with more.
Im back..I made the page late last nite, Im not sure why I wanted it to be dark so to say. I suppose cause this season is really not a happy one for me. I miss my grandmother who died last year this time coming up...so many times I go to call her,(sigh) I miss my dad, I cant tell you how many times I cry that he will not talk to me. I can write to him I guess. I can say I love you dad.....miss you. You always make me laugh. I will try and make the holidays as nice as I can. We have a new landlord now, he may or not raise the rent.....I dont know if I should move or not. Im trying to hold off til tax time. Then maybe I can get a place for me and the kids, or move back to the island.....I dont know. I would love to start all over again, somewhere new, somewhere "where everyone doesnt know your name" but the kids? I have to make them happy. I have decided to take down all the pictures..(wedding and all) I know that will make alot of you happy, and it is the right thing to do. I will make new pic pages......new lives, friends. I want to kinda make a ceremony, like burn all that I have that is he.....that hurt us so damn bad, the pain is still there of course. I dont know if it will all go away, but maybe fire will help. I have been dreaming alot of fires...I dont know why, but I think its time. See you tomorrow.......
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Nov13,2000
Im back with no new happy news to tell......my children have left to live with their dad, neither one of them wanted to stay,'they hate me they say' Rich their dad feels that i can not take care of them with my lo life job at walmart..........the kids did not want to stay and what else i could do? They do not listen, they trash the house and the respect for me is nill.......Its hard to explain how i feel, kinda numb and kinda in shock,I always gave them food and clothes,whatever they needed,maybe I wasnt there, the guilt that I feel everyday since the disclosure,,,,,it never goes away,the pain and anquish that man has caused my family.........I love you annie and Keith be good, be honest,respectful and come on home again,,,,,,,,,,,
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Nov15,2000
I still feel such sadness, failure and hurt that you could not imagine. walmart is helping some,but really I dont want to be there, its not enough money to pay the bills, and soon I may not have a place to live.......havent heard from the kids, guess they are having a good time, Dad is wonderful.....my divorce papers are here for me to sign, The end of Mrs C, and medical insurance for me.......maybe this journal can become an online sucidal journals........I know, pathetic. i feel like im at the end of all I can handle........homeless just about, kidless, and just not needed
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Nov16,2000
Eveyone keeps telling me that all will be ok, big deal my job can not pay my rent nor put heat in the house, no kids to buy food for, no family close by, and I know in my heart they are most likely glad that I live here.........A failure as a daughter,sister,wife and mom.Thopugh I do need to make one think perfectly care, IM not the monster here, I did not give my children to be hurt. I just messed up their whole lives that Dad seems to think he can fix. Im empty, I have no support and no where to turn......as much as people think its a dirty word sucide is quiet,peaceful, no longer crying or hearing pain........I suppose there will be some that will miss me, but Im sure they will get over it with their non mistake perfectlives. Maybe I can move on as well, a car that I can sleep in. and things that I can sell.....I just dont know, nor feel the urge to wake up. Though I do......as always I love u Annie and Keith.
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Nov18,2000
Still here, getting moving to go to work,of course skid in a ditch and got a concussion. Im sure wallymart thinks I am a great worker,I do my best but still feel like all the walls are caving, NO I do not want rich to win, I want to win,just clueless and no more to hang on too. I miss the kids and wish they would call me, Life is greener over there......I love my friend, being with him but Im afraid that he will find out what a loser I am
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Nov23,2000
Happy Thanksgiving to all...I have been quiet, the emails that I have recieved and certain guestbooks entries are cruel, One former reader referred me to a bad wreck on the highway that everyone has to look at...that I am a weakling and never had strength. I usually dont have an opinion on what people write, its a free country, we all have the right to what we feel and say. My children are happy with their dad, and do not want to be with me...I have come to the conclusion Im a failure as a mother, daughter, sister, wife.....Maybe Im too messed up to deal with anything. I dont know. I go to work, I come home, there is no money to pay bills, walmart just doesnt pay enough, buts its my fault for spending the money grandma left me and not save...
that would of been the smart thing to do, but hey this is me...I didnt think ahead. Annie told me tonight on the phone that Mel,her fathers girlfriend is a great friend and she loves being with her....
I failed Annie, Keith, my parents, brother and sister.......what the hell is left?
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