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| Oct1,2001 Its Monday and I go to work in a little over an hr, and again Thank God I have a job to go to....we have done lots at work to make money for the red cross, bake sales, dress down days, a jug to put change in and the issue that bothers me the most is "I wonder if the janitors wife that has three kids and lost her husband, is she getting any of this?" I heard Katie say it on the Today show and it just nags at me. My friend J may be coming back for Thanksgiving, and I am hoping with all my heart that the kids dad make it possible for my Annie and Keith to come too...No matter how hard we try here to meet him halfway with this, he is being ridiculus and not helping at all.....I get paranoid and I think maybe the kids just dont want to see me. I miss them every minute of the day. I need to get back to dieting and taking care of myself, which at times is always last, WHY? Why do we put ousrselves last constantly....or rather me. Is it that self hate issue that never goes away? Is it that what has happened has made nothing important anymore? I wish I could just answer that, then knowing what to do would be so easy. |
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| Oct2,2001 I got two weeks to work then a little vacation again, only 4 days plus the weekend but it helps clear the mind...I miss Annie and Keith so much I cant stand the pain sometimes, I am afraid that I wont see them again sometimes, I want to tell them how much I love them both, how sorry I am that this happened, to forgive me for not knowing, for being blind, and maybe just stupid. I listen to this song sometimes called "Its been awhile" and the words in the song go "Its been awhile since I have held my head up high" and I related to that so deeply, and I want to hold my head up, I want to feel okay again. |
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| Oct4,2001 I have been spending time with some friends that I have met here at work, we usually get together twice a week, relax, blow off steam, couple of drinks, I enjoy their company alot and it makes the week go by fast, anyway they know bits and pieces of my past life from Pa and last night I told them what did happen there. In a way I felt relieved, that I could be that comfortable again and let out the past, but then again I feel so completely naked and vunerable. Does that make sense? My one friend Karen just gave me a big hug and told me that she would be a better person just for knowing me, that brought me to tears, I have not felt that way for so long, that I would make anyones life better, only painful. I know that I am getting depressed again, and I know that I need to go to the dr and get meds, and I know that I have gone into some old habits, (eating to dull the pain that is stronger and stronger since I am on no meds) A part of me wants to feel that pain, need to feel it, and then again I am slipping into that dark place. I know what I need to do though and as long as I keep knowing that, I will be ok. Talk to you later. To Lori (sis) I miss U......lets catch up and talk soon. |
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| Oct8,2001 What to say?????? these latest events, just so sad and scary. I wish that the kids were with me, I just want to hold them and be with them...and I cant. They say that we should just get on with life, and that is what I intend to do, go to work and pray that we get through all this with out any more loss of life. All I want is to wake up with annie and keith here and hug them and lately I dont know if that will ever happen. |
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