 September |
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| Sept17,2001 Just a quick note before I go to work, I am alive and well and I was having alot of problems when I changed over to DSL connections, I have figured it out and I am back online and writing in my journal, I thank you again for all that wrote to see how I am doing and concerned. We start this month on such a sad note and somehow I feel that any of my problems are not even a tiny matter in what has happened to us all. I do have alot to write about and I will catch up later on when I get home......just wanted you to know I am back. talk to you later |
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| Sept18,2001 It is good to be online again and writing....bring back something of my previous self, which seems to be gone. The kids are both good, Annie is now 16 and Keith just turned 13. We talk once a week usually,and its when I call.....their dad seems to have a hard on about them calling me and when they do its collect and its for money usually which I dont have. I feel very seperated from them, like I was divorced as their mom, and I cant argue with it, like what have I done for them except ruin their lives....I will never get over this and its better just to stay quiet about the whole matter. Work, I hate my job,and I keep trying to look for a new one, one that I can get to easy and not depend on anyone or a car, just not in the budget for now, but I go everyday and do what I have to do and go home...I have some friends there that I go out with and they come here, still Im always wondering whats next, ya know? Like can anyone be really your friend??? My friend from home came to see me for a few weeks and it was great to have the company, I enjoyed his visit.... but ya know there is that nag in the back of your mind...He doesnt love me, he never will and whats the use? It will only lead to hurt. I just dont feel like I deserve love nor do I feel its realistic for me....anyway I am rambling and does this even matter to anyone...not with what has happened and all the people that have lost their lives and a world that is sure to change to no other way of life.. scary as hell. |
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| Sept20,2001 Thursday,and I dread going to work, I hate it and that is a nice way to put it. It pays the bills and gives me human interaction but this job kills me to say the least. I have not watched what I have eaten forever and it shows.....I have to start all over again and I dont know how anymore, sometimes and I have to admit this, I dont care..... but we all know that is temporary. I dont know what I feel anymore, only that I am not happy, my depression is getting worse (the meds that they have me on do not work anymore and I have yet to get to the dr) Though still I know what I need to do, I just need the motivation...and its hard to find it. |
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| Sept26,2001 Im trying here to keep up with the journals, its not that I dont want to keep up, do my theraphy and communicate with you all, maybe sometimes I feel like a failure...but then again I have made it, havent I? I wish I felt it sometimes. Work is just a paycheck and I do have some pretty cool friends that I hang out with but I am not happy with the bank and now just isnt the time to look for another job. I just kinda need it to be the time to for something if that makes any sense at all. I need something to happen, develop, so I can look at my new life here in a postitive way, I hurt and I want it to stop. I miss my children and wish that they were here with me instead of so far away. I miss love.... |
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| Sept30,2001 Tonight, the last nite of Sept I just have a simple thought or rather a statement and that is that I am sorry for complaining about my job and how I hate it sometimes, I neglected to see how very lucky I am to have a job today, tomorrow and hopefully next week......with so many of facing that fear or having that be a reality I am deeply ashamed for my stupidity.... |
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