 A Not So Nice December, |
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| Dec5,2000 I am sorry that I have been gone, And I thank all that sent email and signed the guestbook, U all do care and that means the world to me. I have not heard from my children and as far as I know they are happy and do not want to live with me. Their dad is giving them a nice happy home, something he never did before. Me, I am the same, walmart management treats u like a stupid idiot half the time and its so tiring...not to mention no money at all there.Im losing the house most likely, something that good old dad wants, so the kids have no where to go back to. My sister wants me to go to Atlanta, and I think that out of all the family she has given me a hope for some kind of life. Though the kids would be far away, my friend that I see, although he is mostly distant with me and if I want to go, he would not try and stop me. My life is on hold, or I choose not to try and fix it.....why? cause its all the same and Im tired. I know, I will get the "you are sinking to a new low" shit, and why cant I once in awhile? Why cant I be sad, tired, and very discouraged about the future? If there is one.....for friends right now, nothing has changed. I have lost all that matters. I still want to die. I still feel as my parents, and my children, and friends that I love, God has left my side too. |
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| Dec6,2000 I do not understand why HE will not leave me alone, back in the guestbook, back to make a side show of his total disgusting acts. Im sure he thinks that its normal, thats its the what I deserve, but damnit I know that I will not have to answer for this. YOU WILL, you miserable example of human life......I hate u with a passion that I never felt before and if anything keeps me alive its my hatred for you. STAY THE HELL AWAY!!!!!! Now for self pity, wallowing in it, my god how many events do u need to go through before you are destroyed... has anyone been through what I have? Are you honest enough to admit it? To tell.....I am as strong as I can be at the moment, I talk about death,and yes its how I feel. Not a "self pitying" moment, just a true honest sincere moment of admittance. Im tired...I dont know what to do with all the broken pieces and hearts. Its just a little too overbearing. I did call my councler and tried to get an appt, she never called back. I know that Im on an edge. A breaking point.NO I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS! I do not like depression, feelings of sucide, and other not so nice thoughts. Its just what is happening. I have not been to work for two days, stress is making me sick, in the bathroom all day and a headache that wont go away. I am Tired....... |
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| Dec7,After spending a few hours in the bathroom this morning with this stupid flu I have caught. I made it to wallys where they told me that I looked like crap and sent me home.....thats not the funny part though, my landord is calling with threatening late fees and I have no clue what to do...the kids dont get my messages I suppose and all I got right now is my bottles of happy pills |
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| Dec15,2000 I missed alot of work the last two weeks, flu, nerves. most likely I will probably be let go after xmas, its my own fault. I sa my children this morning, Annie had to be here for an appt. They were supposed to stay the weekend......but they didnt want too. Actually they told me they dont want to come home at all. Maybe for the day after xmas....they hardly wanted to hold me, hug me. They hate me, I have failed them. as well as the rest of my family. There is no more help here, no where else to go......maybe hell |
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| Dec18,2000 Im trying.....I went back to work, and proved that I can do this job..I am not going to get fired or give up...I want my kids back too bad. I got help with oil assistance today and hopefully rent til I get myself on track. Its a start. I know I can only help myself, so instead of staying ib bed all day and crying, I got help, and will continue to do so.....I need to stay strong for the upcoming trial next month, and for the so called friends that are like dissapeared......oh well. There are others that do care and help, like myself have always done for others. I have my sister too.....and here on the net, Lori I love you.....the best sis anyone could have. If I cant make it here, I promise down south we go (((((((HUGS))))) send me strength my friends. I really need it. |
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| Dec27,2000 I hope that everyone had a nice Christmas, mine started yesterday, my kids came home for the week...Its so good to be with them, but they are quiet, avoiding any topic of coming home....and Im not going to force the issue. I dont think they want or need that, and I dont think I can take care of them. Walmart laid me off, the cutting back after Christmas, and to look in the paper there are no jobs. I have to admit its over...as far as trying to survive. I have made it this far, my strength saw to that, but now I have to also say that strength is admitting when you can not do this anymore.....being alone, being on drugs that the dr tells you makes you better and all it seems to do is take over my brain, my thinking normal. Sometimes strength is admitting that YES, you are not well physically, mentally and spiritally.This Im admitting now..... that Im not well, that I need help to get better, that maybe being with my family is the only way to that road. My sister wants me to move there, and my brother and parents as well. They need me to get better, and I need to for Annie and Keith, for my family and mostly for me......so I can be a good mom, good friend, and a good daughter and sister. I hope that I make sense, sometimes I dont think I do that anymore, so many rambling thoughts go through my head, I just know somewhere in me I can not give up... |
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| Dec28,2000 My children are leaving in the morning. They were suppossed to stay til Sunday, but we are expecting a storm. Plus they both told me that they want to go, Keith actually told me he was miserable with me, and Annie is not ready to be with me.....from what she said. I dont know if I can deal with this now, deal with anything..I just am relieved that they are taken care of. To take care of me is the hard part.. |
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| Dec29,2000 My kids left this morning, Keith hardly looked at me, and Annie cried alittle. I had no feeling left at all and that scared me some.....I cant cry today at all, or feel my heart breaking like it has been forever, I dont know why. |
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| Dec31,2000 I would like to all wish you a very Happy New Year, to let you know I will still be here, and hopefully I can get my senses back, make something out fo this mess Im in. I dont know if I can, I can try.....Just maybe 2001 will be ok, maybe the kids will want to come back. maybe I can get a job...maybe moving is the answer. I just cant seem to make up my mind or know how to. Weird isnt it? I feel so numb. I want to feel again....... |
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