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Fall 2000
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Oct3,2000
Ok, I made it back. Whats new? Nothing.....still jobless, carless in Pa again, but you know what? I will get through this. The kids are ok, Keith is doin better and Annie got a job at micky dees, maybe I should work with her. I just hope it helps her, she has been changing alot and I worry. With no car I have not been able to get her to the counslers and I know she needs to go....I feel sometimes like life has stopped and I missed the train.....This should be a time for healing, rebirth, starting over. I know I will eventually, its how.
I have though about ending the journals, but I am kinda curious to see what turns out myself.....:-) see ya all tomorrow
Mistakes....do you ever get forgiveness? Do you ever get to turn the pages and make it all better again? I think not..maybe I should of never told, maybe my kids should of kept quiet.....they always said never tell. I was told not to write anymore, that I was not to say anymore...that didnt shut me up, my childrens agony, my agony and my family..did I shut up??? NO......because it happens, its real and it should be stopped.......I could of used different names, mistake I have to live with now, I could of told my kids to be quiet and we will work it out at home..I should of known......and will never forgive myself. My biggest
mistake. my marrage, my pages, crying I never heard, my need to be heard.....my needs to be defiant and write anyway. I guess what I am trying to ask myself here is will I shut up now? No.....mistake? maybe. I received an email today that was so touching, and gave me the shove I needed to keep going, not to be quiet, thank u my friend.
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Oct4,2000
Two days in a row...thats pretty good. Hello again, and welcome to my world.....interesting, isnt it? What can I tell you today? I really hate being me, hate everyday waiting for that call, making more, trying to get a job, it is pathetic. I am doing this wothout a car yet as well, figure that I will worry about that later...a Scarlett O'Hara moment I suppose. My lovely daughter told me to F**k off last night...wasnt that special? My son decided to miss the bus, and here I am not knowing what the hell to do. I was actually quite shocked when she said it, and thought to myself "I would be sooooooooo dead if I said that to my mother" and she just slammed the door and walked out. Just like that. Like I said, Special.......a Kodac moment for sure or is the international coffees? Just got a call from the hair place that I applied to..No go. They hired someone else. They need a receptionist with computer knowledge. Perfect..my NY accent must have not blended well, but if they only could of seen these nails......Ok, Wally mart just called..interview Friday, 11:30. Cashier. I can do this. I can be a Walmart cashier.....the store that I hate the most!
This will be great...Jeanne, do u believe this? Well lest see if I get it, and I must grow up and say, "its a job"Talk to all tomorrow......
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Oct5,2000
My, My, Im doing great here. I get an apology from my daughter, she doesnt want to go to dad I suppose, Its too much fun with me and getting away with everything. So who starts now??? Keith. I get doors slammed in my face, told off.....I am doing all I can not to totally flip out. Their father is coming Sat I think, and Im sure they will get their little lecture "to be nice to mom" and then he goes back to his nice little life. I have had enough.......& well, what am I suppossed to do? I am a mom.....I have to be here I guess, have to take care of them, no matter what they say and do. Unconditional love, right??????? I wonder what happened to all my "friends" that will be with me through it all, and all my "friends" that say call me "whenever U want".......they are not around of course. Important lesson, do not count on anyone but YOU. Thats my inspirational thought of the day......Oh, to my friend, you are here, I like u in my world, and thank you....(there are some kind & sweet loving people left sometimes)
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Oct7,2000
I did my interview at wallymart and I it went well, I have to take a drug test and then I am a new cashier :-).....woohoo. I wont be starting probably til the end of the month and the pay is not that great, not to mention all the teasing Im going to get from people that know me.....but it wont be any different then anywhere else I suppose in this town. Annie started at MickyDees and she called and said that all is okay...hard work, not to mention all that grease...
I really need to get serious here with the weight as well,sometimes you just forget with all the other garbage going on. The holidays coming up puts ton of stress on ya too, and not to mention the depression...though I have to say Im doing ok. Dont know when Christmas gets closer, or next month when I would of been celebrating an anniversary.......but we dont want to go there. I have to say my life is going ahead, not back and this is just a temporary glitch in the road. Maybe there will be even a major move coming up for me.....not sure yet, the kids have to be ok with it and Im not sure I would want to be that far away from my friends that I have left. Who knows, Im not going to plan anything yet, just one day at a time. See ya all tomorrow
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Oct8,2000
Control over you life, just a thought I had today.....I remember when I had to have my house spotless everyday, (i know I wrote about this before) cause I felt it was all I had to control.....when I didnt clean or the kids messed it up I was raged. Im over that now...I could care less sometimes about the place. The kids mess it as fast as I clean it.....anyway I finally realized what it was doing to me...that I needed to control my life instead, not a house, or people or things......me. What makes me happy, safe and secure...not what makes everyone and their mother happy. I feel happy in spite of all that is was and is and what is to become, I know that I can handle it and thats all I need to know. Just my useless thought of the day cause I didnt have anything better to say and I ate too much damn icecream this week and I have a horrible zit, and ya know......see ya all tomorrow.
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Oct9,2000
Wallymart called today, I go to the hospital Wens for the drug screen and then I suppose I start my new career as a cashier.....:-) It shouldnt be that bad, hey you get a discount..right? My friend Christy works there too, so maybe we will get a day or two together. Pretty quiet today, we even had a little snow, way too early. I should be getting the car soon too and hopefully back on track money wise. Then finally back to the buisness of losing weight.....uck. It really sucks you know? You get older and it takes longer and you have to work harder, and its just a drag for lack of a better word.....but it is important so then needs to be treated that way. I most likely wont be doing much for the holidays so I dont have to worry about that much, the kids are going to the island for Thanksgiving and this may just be my first alone. I hope not.....see you tomorrow
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Oct16,2000
Its been awhile since I have been here, not much to tell. I am still waiting on walmart.....I took the drug test,and just waiting for it to get back so I can start. Probably sometime this week. I should be getting the car as well so things are moving along for me. I am pretty amazed how I pulled myself up and faced everything. Moved on so they say. I have been pretty happy, with a job will be better.......maybe even lose some damn WEIGHT. My mom called the other night, its been awhile since I have spoke to her and my dad still wont get on the phone, I can not let it get to me anymore.....if I am to be the bad seed here so be it. I am not going to beg him to talk to me, one day I hope he will realize that life is too short to do that and that I will never be like my brother and sister and have everything done right in life. I make mistakes..I pay for them as well, I dont think I should be punished by silence.....thats my opinion anyway.See you tomorrow
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Oct17,2000
Tomorrow I start my career as a Walmart cashier...I know that I make fun of it and all, but hey I am pretty happy that I finally got a job..just in time too. Like my friend Jeanne says "The prices are good, and men" lol...yes, its really the only store in town,the prices are low, and yeah...the men from town. Do you feel my excitement?????? No, all kidding aside, I will most likely like the job and right now I can not be picky. I should be getting the car this week sometime as well. Things are surely looking up....and Ihave to pat myself on the back once again. Didnt think I was gonna make it this far, or recover from all that has happened.....but hey I did, the worse is still yet to come, trial and all but I know that I will make it through. I do have some help, and he is pretty special to me...its hard for me to tell him that alot but I hope that he knows it already...though he did say that I should not worry about getting my nails done.....I mean, can you believe that??????? I had to cancel my last appt with Kathy and she is having a hard time getting me fit in schedule....(I know, really) so he told me to go without them..we were almost over at that point. LOL. So nails and all wish me luck friends and I am sure to share my adventures.....(hope this helps with the diet) see you all tomorrow
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Oct23,2000
Just finished my 5th dayatwallys. and all and all Ihave to say its going well. The days are long and my feet are killing me and lets not forget the not so nice people :-). Sometimes I think they need to stay at home..........so getting my lifeback in order and it feels great. Paychecks again.........and some sort of social life, meeting new people all the time. I have a day off tomorrow and these nails...........see yatomorrow
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Oct31,2000
Happy Halloween all, Im back.....Ihave been so bad with getting to the page and keeping up...wallys is very tiring u can say, but its pretty cool. I see people all day (sometimes ya hate them, like the customer that told me I was a terrible cashier & everyone was leaving my line) I just kept smiling and told her to have a real good day like Im having.....though most of the time they are nice and I never shut my mouth..(have to amuse them now) Im on my feet all day and running all over the store, (great exercise) soooooo, I think Im on a good start, Now I cant get carried away. I still am slighty crazy, my money problems are more intense, the kids are evil, (maybe tonight they will go back to the coven that they escaped) Im only kidding.....Love them!!!!! I get my car on the road today! So, til next month friends......
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